Wednesday 18 January 2012

Is work making me ill?

Dear reader,

We are now in the second week of January and having just been back for little over a week, after the festive period, I am already starting to feel the effects. To let you know I am a secondary school teacher; I teach kids from 12-18 which can be the best job in the world, but it can also be the worst.

For example, whenever I sit in a taxi cab and the conversation turns to work- I am usually met with sympathetic nods of the head and sympathy tuts when I reveal my job: "Wouldn't want to be you, pal!" "Kids these days, I couldn't face it!" are just some of the retorts that have passed the lips of others.

However, I want to put a stop to the myth that the kids are what makes my job difficult (although they can at times!) For me it is the other adults in the school. Sit in any teaching staffroom with a bunch of overfilled egos and you are bound to come into conflict. Better still, sit in a teaching staffroom with overfilled egos, while suffering a mental health issue, self-esteem issues and a general feeling of melancholia, exasperated by great feelings of inadequacy and your wellbeing suffers. Tremendously!

I have been told that I am good at my job: I am in quite a nice school (albeit a very highly pressurised environment) but, in general, the kids are nice. However, none of that matters when you feel the way I do. Each time I stand in front of a class, delivering my lessons, my body goes into automatic drive. My self-esteem plummets and voices shower through my mind: I am no good. I am pathetic. I am a fake. Good job I am a good actor then- isn't it? I often wonder though, as I come home and crash on the sofa, exhausted, emotional and overwhelmed how good this is for my health?

What makes matters worse for me in work is that I work with people who regularly boast about their super-teach skills, their talents and their wonderful personalities. I know I should close my ears to such talk, but the question is how? Why do I have to compare myself to others so much? And why am I so skin-crawlingly uncomfortable in my work environment? I sometimes see life as futile and wonder is this it? Will I always feel this way? I was reading an article last night about the possibility of life on another planet-Kepler 22b. Here's hoping that if there's an alternate world out there and I'm in it,  I'm having a better time out there than I am on our earth.

I 'd like to finish by thanking those of you who commented on my New Year Blog. It meant a lot to me and I'm sorry there are other sufferers out there. Your comments have been very helpful and fill me with a little bit of joy.

Monday 2 January 2012

Happy New Year




Dear Reader, 

As we trod expectantly into the new year that is 2012, we are met with a blank sheet ahead. A blank sheet to be filled in any way we wish- that is of, course if we are indeed masters of our own destiny. What do you think- are we masters of our own destiny or is life decided for us? 

A tricky one that- of course, there are religious believers who may think that out path is marked out, God is the decider of our destiny; then there are those who do not believe anything of the sort- life is what we make it. Full stop. 

I am on the fence, to be honest. For one, I do hope that there is a higher power from above, guiding us on our path through life (but only if that path is filled with sunshine and lollipops!) but then again, I am a bit sceptical because, after all, if we had to sit and wait for someone to make our lives for us, would anything ever get done?

Then there are those of us who suffer depression... I, myself, being in that category. I can only write from my own experience, but as a depressed person, fighting desperately out of my prison, I am trying to make my own destiny, to make things better. Trust me, my intentions are all good. But then, depression strikes and every plan I have is crushed and my depression decides if today is the day I get to make my own destiny. Take New Year's Eve as an example ( before 12 struck to bring in the new year, my depression struck first WITH A VENGEANCE!!

I was to host a party for family, a get-together, a tradition that I have been doing for the past few years now. The preparations were going exceptionally well: decorations were glistening, food was purchased and made, drink was aflow, flat was gleaming. But then at 5 pm, 3 hours before the start of the party, I broke down. It was not entirely unexpected as that morning I had woken up with that all-too-familiar feeling that alerts me to the warning signs of depression: the heavy heart, the slow trod, the vacant feeling inside which makes basic tasks difficult. I tried to fight these feelings- I got on with preparations, I went for a nap, I tried everything but it was no use. I could not even bring myself to wash or have a bath, let alone mock happiness for a night. So what did I do: I cancelled. 

This, in retrospect, was not the answer but I could not go on. I upset my fiance (who, as I have said before is a real sufferer in this). All was not too bad though as family, to an extent, understood and there were other parties to attend. But, this year, for the first time, I spent New Year alone and depressed. I hate it, reader. I thought I was getting a bit better but I'm wrong. I guess the lack of Christmas cheer should have been a warning sign, but you never know when it is going to strike. 

I have rested for the past two days- sleeping away the hours and feel a little better, but my mood is like a bomb ready to explode... I don't know when the fatigue will strike, or the sadness, or the ennui, or the anger, or the frustration, or the self- loathing, or the guilt, or the exasperation, or the boredom, or the fear... I however, in the meantime am going to try my best to make my new destiny. If you have any advice in how to make things better, please let me know.

PS- Staying away from facebook has helped because on New Year's Eve, reading the status' of friends felt like self-harming. It seemed that everybody had the best 2011 and were the happiest they ever could be- a kick in the teeth to me who felt at the worst I ever could... Is it just me who wasn't overwhelmingly happy in 2011?