Thursday, 22 March 2012

Help! I'm losing my mind to depression!

Dear reader,

Those dark, heavy days have caught up with me once more. A fat-grey bellied cloud follows me around and something sits heavy on my chest. I am struggling once again with day-to-day life. I still attend group therapy everyweek - in fact, I had a session this morning where I spent the hour sobbing fat tears, panting like a baby, trying to catch a breath. To be honest with you, I am at a cross-roads - where do I go from here? I take the maximum dosage of anti-depressants to help me daily, I have undergone CAT therapy, I have undergone CBT, counselling - call them what you like, but now I am trying group therapy and I am still in bits. Will I ever be able to exorcise this demon?

The answer to my own question is I do not know... but what I do know is that I have no choice but to try for as long as I exist (and I'm barely doing that just now, sleeping 18 hour days) I have to try. Where am I going with this - apart from releasing a bit of steam from the pressure cooker, I guess what I am trying to say is that even though things are hard just now (a bit of an understatement, try bloody-well impossible!), I guess in some ways therapy is a place for me to exist - exist in a different climate, to cocoon in a safe place to talk to other like-minded individuals, who offer shared anecdotes, jokes, their own woes and above all, the one thing a non-sufferer and most of society cannot offer you, EMPATHY. A shared understanding of the horrors that salvage your body and mind as this poison flows through your being.

Because, accept it as we must whether we like it or not, there are not many people in our working lives, personal lives or social lives who can understand this - they can try, but they are only human, after all, and become annoyed by us. We can seem, at times, self-indulgent (though why we would wish to indulge in mind-blowing pain, I do not know) we can test the patience of others, but, at the end of the day we are suffering. As the adage goes: just as a person suffers a sore leg and needs help, so too does a depressed person.

I am about to sign off and retreat to my bed on his gorgeous warm spring day - I can't choose life at the moment, because I have no choice. Depression has chosen me and subsequently, I am exhausted. I need my rest. What I want to say to all you out there is please get in touch if you wish to talk, because, although it may not seem it at the moment, talking and having some empathy from others has helped me slightly. Someone, I believe, saved my life today. How long for, I do not know. But as long as I exist, I will have to try and fight for my life.

Goodnight for now.


  1. Just landed on your blog, Tilly, and WHOA! I know where you're coming from! I hope you will see a glimmer of hope when you hear about my going through a week of 18 - 20 hrs of sleep per day myself! No other symptoms really. So - thought my paralyzing depression was coming back with a vengeance OR thought that I must be dying after all and here it comes!

    I'm also on the max dose of my AD and have been in therapy this time WEEKLY for SEVEN YEARS!

    Anyway - whatever was killing me seems to have subsided. I'm back to my "normal" depressed self - although I'm so relieved to be out of the need for 20hrs of sleep a day, I almost feel hypomanic.

    Thanks for your wonderful blogging, and best wishes for a non-lengthy journey out of the deep blue! Also - I'm glad you are finding empathy in your group. I miss being in a group myself and for whatever reason, there are no groups to be found in my area for the past many years.....

    Sincerely, Alexa

  2. I’m sitting in my office at work at my breaking point. I'm full of rage, rage at the understanding that there is nothing that I can do but come to terms with this reality that I will forever carry this cross-depression. I want to just get up and walk out and say "the hell with all of you" and just go home and lay in bed. I want to escape and I hate how everyone around me just thinks my bad day is being blown out of purport ion and I need to get over it. I feel like I'm losing my mind and there are days where I honestly feel like I am losing the battle of sanity. Why me, I'm currently having a -why me- type of day.

    1. This is where I'm at in life. I can def relate Cyndi

  3. Hi Cyndi,

    I certainly know how you feel. I ask myself the same questions: Why me? Am I ever going to feel better? Am I losing my mind? I feel totally alone in the world. I'm 49 years old and have virtually nothing to show for my life. It's not so much that I've given up on life, but life has given up on me. I spent Thanksgiving Day in bed with a migraine, alone again. My parents are both gone. I have only one family member that's sane and I can talk to and one friend who is almost as depressed as me. I keep searching for "the answer" or cure, but I only end up hating myself even more because it all comes down to genetics and environment - things outside of my control. Even though there's some comfort in knowing I didn't cause my problems, I still feel bad because maybe there's no cure.

  4. I'm 25, and trying to deal with my depression which is quite crippling. I am getting medicated and working with a therapist, but I also discovered something else that helps me personally. Check it out at my new blog.

    keep up the good fight.

  5. I am at a complete loss of what to do with myself anymore. I feel like im a waste of space and especially time. Why even bother trying to find a way out when you know there is not one. I am so constantly trapped inside the depressed me I really don't know what the not depressed me looks like. Sometimes I feel as the whole world will sit back and watch while I'm at war. Well shits been blown up too any times and if something don't give soon my depression will win this battle.well not tonight the methadones kicking in. Kpins backbit up tonight.

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  7. Awww Tilly,

    So many of us feel as you do. How can I say don't give up when it's all I want to do? BUT...DON'T GIVE UP. I've been on this rollercoaster long enough to know that it does get better. Sending a virtual but heartfelt hug your way.

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  9. Has anything changed in the past year?

  10. Im having the worst feeling right now.. its like a very strong pressure in my head and having a severe anxiety attack together with my depression. I work 8 hours a day and all i think is how i can get through this..i im losing my mind.. are we going to get better? Whats the best thing that we can do.. i dnt know what to sister will go with me to see a psychiatrist.. i dnt knwwhats the worst that can happen tonight. Im in deep severe attack. :(

  11. you should do what im gunna do drive my car off a cliff that way its nice and peacfull no more problems i understand whats happening to you i had the same if you dontsee a doctor you will end up like me but hay so long nice to talk to you hope you sort things out unlike me theres no change no escape just peacfull end of it all

  12. I am bipolar, at least that is the label they but on me, i was on meds for over 25yrs and i am now 62yrs old, but 8 months ago i stopped taking them, and i feel no difference, at least in my mind, i have lost all my family accept for my son who loves me always and understands, but what if my craziness drives him away soon, he is a police officer and a kind and caring man/ he is married to a wonderful woman who likes me also, and i ask if i could move to the state they live in but my son no cause he lives in a state where things r rough on people who have section 8 for housing, they usually live in very bad dangerous areas, and me i live in a sweet small town in a very nice apt. for the past 13yrs, and my son says that it is the best for me, they come visit twice ayr, and that is great but when they leave i have such lose and loneliness, and i don't know my neighbors, oh they say hi on the street but don't want to know me, and friends i have known on Facebook and Yahoo IM have all gone away, they just could not deal with my complaints i guess. i have 3 daughters all very bright professional ladies, and my son the police officer who shines in that career also, lucky they did not get my crazy daughters do not like to be around me anymore, mostly because of my grandchildren, even thou i watched them all til they were about 10yrs of age, then my services were not needed so they don't want me to visit, i wonder what my grandchildren think, like why did gramma stop coming around, but being young and being kids they r busy doing school things and enjoying their nice lives, they all will be great people to and me i just wait to die, my husband commited sucide when i was 36 and he was 34 so i have not had a man in my life for many yrs and couple i did have were bad men, they were just using me for a place to stay, even thou they had jobs, they wanted a free ride on the living thing, those relationships did not last long one 4 yrs one 2 yrs and they moved on to a more normal woman, and the latest man i knew i just let go by the way, he was kind to me only because he has a kind heart and did not want to hurt my feelings so i just stopped talking to him, and he has never tried to reach out to me since, i think he was probably relieved that i just went i stay in my bed room 24 hrs aday and sleep about 18 hrs or more of those hrs, i'm just wasting away what life i have, oh and i have 5 sisters and a mother who are still alive but they never check if i'm ok, they have very good lives and families of their own and just don't want me to be part of Dad past away about 3 wks ago now, i did go to the funeral, my son & his wife came up from DC to take me and stayed a couple days but had to get back to work, while they were here i acted as normal as i could cooking and cleaning like all is fine, well i do clean my house alot, not that it gets very messy accept the bedroom, and i leave once a month to get food supplies..i walk to the stores they r close so i don't need the expense of having a car. i miss driving it was a favorite thing of mine, i had 2 nice cars a new Hyundai and a fixed up Firebird and a small ford pickup, that i gave all away cause i went to Hawaii to live with my oldest daughter and take care of her kids til they were about 10yrs old, they live in Denver now and i use to fly there for about 3 summers to watch them, now they go to summer camp and after school things instead of me coming out, that was one of my most fun part of my life , living in Hawaii was really nice i would take the bus to Honoulu on my days i did not have to babysit or just ride the bus around the island of Oahu and see everything, the Northern Shore with the surfers was really i just sit in my room all alone til i die.

  13. I can totally relate everyone Im twenty unemployed till tax season begins because I get to dress in the statue of liberty costume and be happy for the four to sometimes eight hours I'm there. But being unemployed and the stresses of looking for a job I think I'm having a mental breakdown where I'm settling with life and what its giving me I want to do all the things i have in my mind but I can't. It's like I'm living my life on autopilot where I'm controlling some aspects but something else is doing the work. Ive been sleeping for 16+ hour days ever since high school I overindulge in things that make me happy like food,sex and masturbation,sleep tv and of course what comes with depression Insomnia. I don't want to seek help because that will make my future job search even worse and that will make me fufill my sucidal thoughts. I wonder if travelling the world would help even though I'm on the broke side of life maybe a backpacking global adventure would put a new persepective on things. I've noticed that some goals made me happy like starting a clothing brand if you have Instagram follow and support me please @almnti_cloth but no matter how many good days I have its always a period of depression and sadness even though I was happy I may be bipolar but I think I'm strongminded enough I won't need meds until I act upon my thoughts. This thing called life is sorta crazy I wish answers could explain why we feel so out of place

  14. Hi Sunshine,

    I pray that you are doing better now. I suffer from depression as well and can relate when you say that people seem to distance themselves from you. Depression causes me to be an emotional vampire as well, draining the energy of whoever gets too close. I find it helpful to get out of the house atleast once everyday. Maybe you can try walking to the store everyday and get just enough food supplies to last you 24 hours. It's good exercise and you'll have the opportunity to interact with people indirectly. Further, it forces you to get out of bed every morning because you have something to do. It should help ease the loneliness. And I can assure you that your family loves you very much! I don't even know you and I can tell that you are a sensitive and loving person. If no one has told you today - I love you! Also remember that God loves and cares for you! It's difficult for your family to see how miserable you are. To this I can also relate - my mother was clinically depressed for much of my childhood and spent her time after work locked in her bedroom. I feel like she wasn't even there. But there is hope for you still! I pray that this message finds you well. All of you. I'm fighting here with you! Depression is not the end of you unless you allow it to take over. Jesus says to pick up your bed and walk! This too shall pass. Find something to look forward to everyday, even if it's just a meal you prepared for yourself. Consider adopting a pet that will be a loving companion. Turn off the television, go to the library and educate yourself on holistic treatments for depression. Get a hobby! Set goals! Journal your feelings daily and read them once a month so you can recognize when you are being negative. Join a church or meditation group. Mentor a youth! Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Do something everyday that gets your mind off of yourself. But above all be kind to yourself!

    Best wishes for your healing!

    With love,

  15. Hi christian gypsy,

    Hope you're doing well. Please don't hurt yourself. Things will get better