As we trod expectantly into the new year that is 2012, we are met with a blank sheet ahead. A blank sheet to be filled in any way we wish- that is of, course if we are indeed masters of our own destiny. What do you think- are we masters of our own destiny or is life decided for us?
A tricky one that- of course, there are religious believers who may think that out path is marked out, God is the decider of our destiny; then there are those who do not believe anything of the sort- life is what we make it. Full stop.
I am on the fence, to be honest. For one, I do hope that there is a higher power from above, guiding us on our path through life (but only if that path is filled with sunshine and lollipops!) but then again, I am a bit sceptical because, after all, if we had to sit and wait for someone to make our lives for us, would anything ever get done?
Then there are those of us who suffer depression... I, myself, being in that category. I can only write from my own experience, but as a depressed person, fighting desperately out of my prison, I am trying to make my own destiny, to make things better. Trust me, my intentions are all good. But then, depression strikes and every plan I have is crushed and my depression decides if today is the day I get to make my own destiny. Take New Year's Eve as an example ( before 12 struck to bring in the new year, my depression struck first WITH A VENGEANCE!!
I was to host a party for family, a get-together, a tradition that I have been doing for the past few years now. The preparations were going exceptionally well: decorations were glistening, food was purchased and made, drink was aflow, flat was gleaming. But then at 5 pm, 3 hours before the start of the party, I broke down. It was not entirely unexpected as that morning I had woken up with that all-too-familiar feeling that alerts me to the warning signs of depression: the heavy heart, the slow trod, the vacant feeling inside which makes basic tasks difficult. I tried to fight these feelings- I got on with preparations, I went for a nap, I tried everything but it was no use. I could not even bring myself to wash or have a bath, let alone mock happiness for a night. So what did I do: I cancelled.
This, in retrospect, was not the answer but I could not go on. I upset my fiance (who, as I have said before is a real sufferer in this). All was not too bad though as family, to an extent, understood and there were other parties to attend. But, this year, for the first time, I spent New Year alone and depressed. I hate it, reader. I thought I was getting a bit better but I'm wrong. I guess the lack of Christmas cheer should have been a warning sign, but you never know when it is going to strike.
I have rested for the past two days- sleeping away the hours and feel a little better, but my mood is like a bomb ready to explode... I don't know when the fatigue will strike, or the sadness, or the ennui, or the anger, or the frustration, or the self- loathing, or the guilt, or the exasperation, or the boredom, or the fear... I however, in the meantime am going to try my best to make my new destiny. If you have any advice in how to make things better, please let me know.
PS- Staying away from facebook has helped because on New Year's Eve, reading the status' of friends felt like self-harming. It seemed that everybody had the best 2011 and were the happiest they ever could be- a kick in the teeth to me who felt at the worst I ever could... Is it just me who wasn't overwhelmingly happy in 2011?