Is work making me ill?

Dear reader,

We are now in the second week of January and having just been back for little over a week, after the festive period, I am already starting to feel the effects. To let you know I am a secondary school teacher; I teach kids from 12-18 which can be the best job in the world, but it can also be the worst.

For example, whenever I sit in a taxi cab and the conversation turns to work- I am usually met with sympathetic nods of the head and sympathy tuts when I reveal my job: "Wouldn't want to be you, pal!" "Kids these days, I couldn't face it!" are just some of the retorts that have passed the lips of others.

However, I want to put a stop to the myth that the kids are what makes my job difficult (although they can at times!) For me it is the other adults in the school. Sit in any teaching staffroom with a bunch of overfilled egos and you are bound to come into conflict. Better still, sit in a teaching staffroom with overfilled egos, while suffering a mental health issue, self-esteem issues and a general feeling of melancholia, exasperated by great feelings of inadequacy and your wellbeing suffers. Tremendously!

I have been told that I am good at my job: I am in quite a nice school (albeit a very highly pressurised environment) but, in general, the kids are nice. However, none of that matters when you feel the way I do. Each time I stand in front of a class, delivering my lessons, my body goes into automatic drive. My self-esteem plummets and voices shower through my mind: I am no good. I am pathetic. I am a fake. Good job I am a good actor then- isn't it? I often wonder though, as I come home and crash on the sofa, exhausted, emotional and overwhelmed how good this is for my health?

What makes matters worse for me in work is that I work with people who regularly boast about their super-teach skills, their talents and their wonderful personalities. I know I should close my ears to such talk, but the question is how? Why do I have to compare myself to others so much? And why am I so skin-crawlingly uncomfortable in my work environment? I sometimes see life as futile and wonder is this it? Will I always feel this way? I was reading an article last night about the possibility of life on another planet-Kepler 22b. Here's hoping that if there's an alternate world out there and I'm in it,  I'm having a better time out there than I am on our earth.

I 'd like to finish by thanking those of you who commented on my New Year Blog. It meant a lot to me and I'm sorry there are other sufferers out there. Your comments have been very helpful and fill me with a little bit of joy.