Death

                                              Death, that hath suck'd the honey of thy breath

Depression is a killer- literally! I have just heard some dreadfully sad news today; about the death of an old colleague who took their own life. The thing that shocked me more than anything- apart from the shock of the news, of course-was the discovery that this colleague had depression. The reason this shocked me is because this colleague suffered silently- when I worked with him I was never aware of any signs of depression and you see, that is the thing about depression- it is often disguised. We disguise it from our friends, we disguise it from our colleagues and we disguise it from as many people as we can get away disguising it from. But, it strikes. And sometimes it kills.

My heart goes out to the family of this colleague because, back to my original blog, depression has many victims- in particular, those who love and care for the sufferer. At this moment death does not exist for my colleague- in fact he is released from his torment. However, the torment has just begun for his family- his death only exists for them and they will suffer long term.

I too have disguised my depression for many years, well certainly from my work colleagues and friends. However, things got a bit too much for me last year and I had to take a spell off work. This roused speculation and, as often happens in the workplace, rumours began: 'Why is she off?' 'Is she stressed?' 'Could she be pregnant?' 'She hasn't been looking too well recently!' People were shocked to discover that I had depression because after all 'She (me!) was always so smiley!' 'She was always so normal!' 'She was so good at her job, you would never have known!'

 Why did I disguise my depression from my work peers for so long? Because I was ashamed- or that should be present tense- am ashamed. It is difficult for non sufferers to understand the pain and suffering that goes on inside the head of a sufferer. Words cannot describe it- some can get close: horrific, sickening, painful, terrorising, nightmarish...but no word in the English language can describe it.

The truth is I was a coward- I wanted to appear 'normal' so much that I spent the last few years of my life becoming so obsessed with being 'normal' that I ignored my depression and subsequently made myself even more sick! Am I glad that (some) people now know about my depression? The truth is I don't know. On one hand, it is a bit of a relief not having to keep up this pretence that everything is 'ALRIGHT' but then again people do treat me a bit with 'kid gloves.' Many people, particularly in the work place, and particularly seniors, mistake depression for stress-Yes, they are linked in some way but they are two entirely different things! They both evoke two completely different feelings. However, this misconception has lead my seniors to take away some of my responsibility and are often careful in how they speak to me. I no longer seem to have the same 'great worker, potential star' status I once had. It is as if I am tarnished.

The question is: did I do the right thing opening up about my illness or should I have trudged through life with my eyes closed, my heart heavy and my brain sick? I know what I prefer...